Our first follow up weigh in had some winners, some losers and yes... Some gainers :(. I was not a winner, but I was a slight loser... If .6 lbs could be considered a loser... Yes, POINT 6. Not even a pound. Wha?? The good news is though that I did have a 2 inch loss around my waist and for that, I will take over a big pound weight loss. But I hope to see the pounds come off too. So now my official weight loss is down from 280 to 279.4. Dang it looks even worse when you do it that way. Oh well, I will not get discouraged and I will continue on. I do feel better too.
Just a few things I done differently last week: I have had maybe 3 diet drinks over a week time. This is good for me because I am usually drinking at least 1-2 a day. I would eventually like to be free of artificial sweeteners. It's very bad for us. I have also tried to add some activity. I have started volunteering at the animal shelter so I figure this will help. Sometimes I find myself getting so comfortable at home, that I don't go anywhere. That's not healthy either. I have joined back to the gym as well. Haven't been yet... I have been doing the biggest loser xbox game with my future husband, Bob Harper. He is my yoga instructor via the T.V. I find that I do like yoga. It's no impact really but my muscles end up aching afterwards so I know it's working. But it is definitely an exercise that I will do in the privacy of only me because I love my family too much to show them THAT side of me. Love you guys :).
Oh, and another thing I've been doing... DANCING!! Okay, so it's not professional or clubbing, it's Just Dance for the xbox. It's so much fun and I can smoke the kids on it..hehehe. That's always good. My "Call Me Maybe" rendition is probably the best. But then again you should see me and Jonathan do the dirty dancing song, "I've Had the Time of my Life" together. FLIPPING HILARIOUS! Yes, Jonathan dances too. For our weigh in Saturday I showed some of the video's the Kinect takes while you dance. Let's just say we burnt A LOT of calories laughing our booties off.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Monday, January 7, 2013
A little deep here
This blog isn't so much about weight loss or that struggle, cause yes, it is a struggle. But I have so much other things on my mind.
If my blog only gets readers who "knows" me personally, they know my background story for the most part. If I have any readers who are new to my life, I will do a small background update. I have four wonderful children by my high school sweetheart. We have been married almost 19 years. We have one son, our oldest and three daughters. Our son is also unique in the fact that he is our only child who doesn't have Cystic Fibrosis, a genetic disease that has effected all three of our girls. Our oldest daughter passed away in 2009 to this disease. She was very ill from 6 months of age on. When she passed away she was actively listed for a lung transplant that never came. She had a beautiful outer appearance with an even more beautiful inner spirit. She was 13 and she is missed daily.
That leaves my two other daughters, age 11 & 6. They are doing very well for having a genetic disease that haunts me every day of my life. Their lung functions are stable, they're growing good, their blood work is good, things I NEVER take for granted. All these things are fantastic in the CF community. But they still breath heavier than most, I don't get a full nights sleep without hearing coughing at one point and we are fanatical about mucus and poop (my cf friends will know what I mean and giggle about this one). We have one cabinet in my kitchen dedicated to medicine, I have medical equipment and doll houses that sit side by side and if you try to come in my house with a fever or a cough I will go ninja on your butt. Now please, don't get me wrong. My girls are my life and I love my life. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if my girls had of been born without CF... Yeah my mind usually goes blank. This is the life we know. It's "Normal". Yes, CF is devastating in so many ways but it has been a huge part in making my girls more thoughtful, sincere and loving than most kids. They are more mature and sympathetic than most people become as adults. They love without limitations. My daughter who passed away could love like no other. Her heart was gigantic. I am a better person for being allowed to have raised my hero. I wouldn't change how my life is if it meant changing my girls. They are blessings to everyone they meet. They are beautiful little petite blonds and I know I will have my hands full when my 11 year old get's to be a teenager, I can't think about my baby doing this yet so I won't mention her. So I guess in an odd way, CF has it's perks. And hey, if I ever need a good dose of salt, I just have to kiss them on the forehead or nose, that's my favorite spot, and I get a good taste of salt. I pray that CF never holds these kiddo's back.
But then there is this dark side to CF. The side that every day I see more and more heartache from other families. Sometimes social media might not be a blessing. I am hurting for a fellow CF family here in Kentucky. They are losing their battle of Cystic Fibrosis. Their precious 9 year old boy is on hospice care and has told them he is ready to go. He is tired. Lord please bless this family. I have seen a large percentage of my CF friends today alone post about their upcoming hospital visits and I.V. antibiotics. It seems to be hitting very hard this year. There have been many deaths in the past weeks as well.
IT IS SCARY STUFF as a parent to children with CF, I can't imagine how it would be on someone with CF. But I will not underestimate the strength and courage of the ones with the disease. I know my Lanie was a lot more prepared to make her journey to heaven than I was. She tried to prepare me and I honestly think that was the hardest part for her, she worried if me and daddy would be okay. She once asked me if she died if looking at her pictures would make me sad. She was probably about 9 or 10. Well if I could answer her now I'd tell her they bring me comfort, but yes, sadness as well. I miss her!
But I have to take the closing of this blog to express the hope that I have inside. A hope that comes only from God and some days is all I have to cling too. It's a promise, a scripture from God that I know is true. It's in first Thessalonians's chapter 4:
If my blog only gets readers who "knows" me personally, they know my background story for the most part. If I have any readers who are new to my life, I will do a small background update. I have four wonderful children by my high school sweetheart. We have been married almost 19 years. We have one son, our oldest and three daughters. Our son is also unique in the fact that he is our only child who doesn't have Cystic Fibrosis, a genetic disease that has effected all three of our girls. Our oldest daughter passed away in 2009 to this disease. She was very ill from 6 months of age on. When she passed away she was actively listed for a lung transplant that never came. She had a beautiful outer appearance with an even more beautiful inner spirit. She was 13 and she is missed daily.
That leaves my two other daughters, age 11 & 6. They are doing very well for having a genetic disease that haunts me every day of my life. Their lung functions are stable, they're growing good, their blood work is good, things I NEVER take for granted. All these things are fantastic in the CF community. But they still breath heavier than most, I don't get a full nights sleep without hearing coughing at one point and we are fanatical about mucus and poop (my cf friends will know what I mean and giggle about this one). We have one cabinet in my kitchen dedicated to medicine, I have medical equipment and doll houses that sit side by side and if you try to come in my house with a fever or a cough I will go ninja on your butt. Now please, don't get me wrong. My girls are my life and I love my life. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if my girls had of been born without CF... Yeah my mind usually goes blank. This is the life we know. It's "Normal". Yes, CF is devastating in so many ways but it has been a huge part in making my girls more thoughtful, sincere and loving than most kids. They are more mature and sympathetic than most people become as adults. They love without limitations. My daughter who passed away could love like no other. Her heart was gigantic. I am a better person for being allowed to have raised my hero. I wouldn't change how my life is if it meant changing my girls. They are blessings to everyone they meet. They are beautiful little petite blonds and I know I will have my hands full when my 11 year old get's to be a teenager, I can't think about my baby doing this yet so I won't mention her. So I guess in an odd way, CF has it's perks. And hey, if I ever need a good dose of salt, I just have to kiss them on the forehead or nose, that's my favorite spot, and I get a good taste of salt. I pray that CF never holds these kiddo's back.
But then there is this dark side to CF. The side that every day I see more and more heartache from other families. Sometimes social media might not be a blessing. I am hurting for a fellow CF family here in Kentucky. They are losing their battle of Cystic Fibrosis. Their precious 9 year old boy is on hospice care and has told them he is ready to go. He is tired. Lord please bless this family. I have seen a large percentage of my CF friends today alone post about their upcoming hospital visits and I.V. antibiotics. It seems to be hitting very hard this year. There have been many deaths in the past weeks as well.
IT IS SCARY STUFF as a parent to children with CF, I can't imagine how it would be on someone with CF. But I will not underestimate the strength and courage of the ones with the disease. I know my Lanie was a lot more prepared to make her journey to heaven than I was. She tried to prepare me and I honestly think that was the hardest part for her, she worried if me and daddy would be okay. She once asked me if she died if looking at her pictures would make me sad. She was probably about 9 or 10. Well if I could answer her now I'd tell her they bring me comfort, but yes, sadness as well. I miss her!
But I have to take the closing of this blog to express the hope that I have inside. A hope that comes only from God and some days is all I have to cling too. It's a promise, a scripture from God that I know is true. It's in first Thessalonians's chapter 4:
13 But
I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which
are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
So I would comfort my fellow friends that are suffering tonight. God has made a plan for believers and followers of Christ to be together again for ALL ETERNITY where no more tears will be shed. THANK YOU FATHER!
Love in Christ,
Pam
P.S. I will be sure to update you soon on my exercise and diet. I can't wait to share with you how I did with my "Yoga with Bob". Funny stuff...
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
So I would comfort my fellow friends that are suffering tonight. God has made a plan for believers and followers of Christ to be together again for ALL ETERNITY where no more tears will be shed. THANK YOU FATHER!
Love in Christ,
Pam
P.S. I will be sure to update you soon on my exercise and diet. I can't wait to share with you how I did with my "Yoga with Bob". Funny stuff...
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Our First Weigh In.. SUCCESS!!
We had our first weigh in with 5 member's present. Not bad for a first with one day notice. I have 3 more coming Monday to weigh. I figure by next Saturday's weigh in we should be around 10 or more. Very exciting. We are all motivated and ready for a change.
My weight was exactly the same as 2 days ago, 280, and I'm okay with that. But I want to see a move in the number downward next week. I'd like to lose a healthy 2 pounds a week. It's crazy to think that if I did that all year, I'd be under 200 by the end of the year. I haven't been under 200 since I was 16. Will I even know that person? There are a lot of questions I have about my weight loss. Will it change my relationship with my kids? With my husband? With my God? Friends? Myself? I believe it will change all these things, I just pray for the better. I know, I will feel more like serving my family and God, so that will be a definite change for the better. I've known for a long time that God has called me to be a servant, not only to Him, but to those around me. I want to do this service cheerfully and willingly so this will be a positive side effect.
I can already tell that this blog will be a way for me to open up about things that are "eating" at me. Some things will be painful to write so therefore painful to read, and I apologize ahead of time. But I have been overweight since I was in the 5th grade and I don't want this to be a quick fix, I want the weight loss to be a complete overhaul and forever.
I will be much in prayer as I move forward. I will have to learn some self control and I know that sugar is like a deadly drug to me. I guess like heroine. Once I get a little, I want more. My diabetes needs to get under better control as well. It has done nothing but rob me of my health and years off the end of my life... I plan to take them back. PRAY PRAY PRAY for me please.
Okay, until next time, hopefully a smaller next time,
Pamela
My weight was exactly the same as 2 days ago, 280, and I'm okay with that. But I want to see a move in the number downward next week. I'd like to lose a healthy 2 pounds a week. It's crazy to think that if I did that all year, I'd be under 200 by the end of the year. I haven't been under 200 since I was 16. Will I even know that person? There are a lot of questions I have about my weight loss. Will it change my relationship with my kids? With my husband? With my God? Friends? Myself? I believe it will change all these things, I just pray for the better. I know, I will feel more like serving my family and God, so that will be a definite change for the better. I've known for a long time that God has called me to be a servant, not only to Him, but to those around me. I want to do this service cheerfully and willingly so this will be a positive side effect.
I can already tell that this blog will be a way for me to open up about things that are "eating" at me. Some things will be painful to write so therefore painful to read, and I apologize ahead of time. But I have been overweight since I was in the 5th grade and I don't want this to be a quick fix, I want the weight loss to be a complete overhaul and forever.
I will be much in prayer as I move forward. I will have to learn some self control and I know that sugar is like a deadly drug to me. I guess like heroine. Once I get a little, I want more. My diabetes needs to get under better control as well. It has done nothing but rob me of my health and years off the end of my life... I plan to take them back. PRAY PRAY PRAY for me please.
Okay, until next time, hopefully a smaller next time,
Pamela
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Here it goes.. My first WEIGHT LOSS BLOG!!! Be afraid, very afraid!
Okay everyone, I am going to start my blogging about my weight loss. SCAREY STUFF! I will reveal stuff on my blog page that I have never been brave enough to reveal before... Like my actual weight... Not my weight on my license, Lord let's hope they never have to actually need that weight for anything, but my actual weight. This is a big step to me. I feel like revealing the weight number will be like getting a stamp on my face for the world to see, but guess what... You see me, you see that number anyway. But I will get to that number later on...
Today I put in my new Xbox game in the 360, it's a Biggest Loser game that uses the Kinnect. I thought it would be awesome... Yeah right. First you have to do this fitness test with Bob, whom I loved a lot more before the fitness test :(. Anywho, on the screen in the bottom right corner, a not so small version of you appears. It doesn't show you like if you were to stand in front of a mirror, but a heat seeker version or something. Basically I looked like a blob with a head and limbs. I noticed when I begin exercising the blob of me begin moving, it was horrible! You know when people say they had that "wake up" moment. Well I have now had mine. I had to put a blanket over that side of the tv so I wouldn't see myself. That 55" screen is not a forgiving one, but a truthful one. I needed to see that. Just not during the whole workout. Now I'm not one for being down on your self image, but man, it was bad. But it motivated me so that's good, right? It ended up being a very fun workout and I will do it again. I have committed to doing 4 times a week. It also took my measurement's within scarey accuracy and it will keep up with that for me. I can also do a video diary and stuff like that on it later after I figure it out a little bit more.
Okay, now for the NUMBER. The big first weigh in. I will say I am up 10 pounds from September so it is definitely time to do something, I could put on weight like no bodies business. At my largest I weighed... drum roll please... 326 pounds. It might have got heavier than that but that's what I caught on the scale. Yep, I weighed over 300 pounds. That's a rather large person. Right now as I type this I weigh 280 pounds. What's that? You can't read it? Was I whispering? Okay, I will say it again. 280 pounds 280 pounds 280 pounds 280 pounds!!!!Okay, no matter how small or how large I type it it's still the same. Yep, at around 1 pm today I weight exactly 280.0 pounds. In September I seen 269.8, the first time I had been under 270 in I don't know when. I will see it again. Especially since I have decided on my first milestone gift to myself. At my first 15 pounds gone, I am treating myself to a very VERY much needed Pedicure... I'm excited. I hope I weigh 265 tomorrow :). BUT I am not counting on that.. Maybe around Valentines day? That is more realistic. I would love to lose 80 pounds in the course of 2013 but I will be very happy with 50 pounds. I have no desire to lose fast and gain faster. I want to do this sensible and for ever.
I am going to hit my Zija XM+ and my Zija tea as my very nutritious jump start and I will be starting a weight loss support group soon with my friends that will make the difference to a lot of us. One thing for sure is to be held accountable to me is very important. Not sure how often I will be posting, but I will be posting a good "before" pic soon. Until then, HAPPY LOSING!!!!
Love in Christ,
Pamela
Today I put in my new Xbox game in the 360, it's a Biggest Loser game that uses the Kinnect. I thought it would be awesome... Yeah right. First you have to do this fitness test with Bob, whom I loved a lot more before the fitness test :(. Anywho, on the screen in the bottom right corner, a not so small version of you appears. It doesn't show you like if you were to stand in front of a mirror, but a heat seeker version or something. Basically I looked like a blob with a head and limbs. I noticed when I begin exercising the blob of me begin moving, it was horrible! You know when people say they had that "wake up" moment. Well I have now had mine. I had to put a blanket over that side of the tv so I wouldn't see myself. That 55" screen is not a forgiving one, but a truthful one. I needed to see that. Just not during the whole workout. Now I'm not one for being down on your self image, but man, it was bad. But it motivated me so that's good, right? It ended up being a very fun workout and I will do it again. I have committed to doing 4 times a week. It also took my measurement's within scarey accuracy and it will keep up with that for me. I can also do a video diary and stuff like that on it later after I figure it out a little bit more.
Okay, now for the NUMBER. The big first weigh in. I will say I am up 10 pounds from September so it is definitely time to do something, I could put on weight like no bodies business. At my largest I weighed... drum roll please... 326 pounds. It might have got heavier than that but that's what I caught on the scale. Yep, I weighed over 300 pounds. That's a rather large person. Right now as I type this I weigh 280 pounds. What's that? You can't read it? Was I whispering? Okay, I will say it again. 280 pounds 280 pounds 280 pounds 280 pounds!!!!Okay, no matter how small or how large I type it it's still the same. Yep, at around 1 pm today I weight exactly 280.0 pounds. In September I seen 269.8, the first time I had been under 270 in I don't know when. I will see it again. Especially since I have decided on my first milestone gift to myself. At my first 15 pounds gone, I am treating myself to a very VERY much needed Pedicure... I'm excited. I hope I weigh 265 tomorrow :). BUT I am not counting on that.. Maybe around Valentines day? That is more realistic. I would love to lose 80 pounds in the course of 2013 but I will be very happy with 50 pounds. I have no desire to lose fast and gain faster. I want to do this sensible and for ever.
I am going to hit my Zija XM+ and my Zija tea as my very nutritious jump start and I will be starting a weight loss support group soon with my friends that will make the difference to a lot of us. One thing for sure is to be held accountable to me is very important. Not sure how often I will be posting, but I will be posting a good "before" pic soon. Until then, HAPPY LOSING!!!!
Love in Christ,
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
It is well with my soul...
It is well with my soul this morning. I don't always wake up with a sense of peace and well being, and it's not that something has happened really to give me a new sense of these feelings today, but Thank you Jesus, I feel it all the same. It is TRULY well with my soul. Thank you Jesus. I can't say that enough. I'm in love this morning. With my Savior. Thank you Jesus for my salvation and Promise of an eternity with you and all that I love who has chosen Your way. Thank you Jesus for my family. A husband who prays, children who love me, extended family who cares for me. Thank you Jesus for my warm house and plenty to eat. Thank you Jesus for just feeling your presence this morning right now, in your HOLY presence. Thank you Jesus.
http://youtu.be/cPPSG_SpojY
Sometimes it takes something hard to go through to see God's presence. I will give a small instance of this happening just this weekend. Friday night, I became very ill with a nasty stomach bug. Vomiting the whole thing. Over the next 24 hours, I would see God's grace, God's love, God's mercy and thankfulness. Over those 24 hours, I heard from probably every family member in my immediate family in the voice of concern, prayer, asking if I needed anything... It was a blessing. My sweet Judaea came and rubbed my back in the bathtub after I had my first violent encounter with the porcelain throne. She fixed me peanut butter and crackers the next day, TWICE, and believe it or not I held those sweet things down :). Bailey kept me in sprite through the day, and By GOD I was able to hold that down. Jonathan got to see me, for the first time in 17 years of marriage, vomit in a trashcan like I would imagine a big burly trucker vomits... and he loves me still... :) God is truly great. Although me and Christian both got sick with stomach bugs, the girls didn't. That is God's grace. Thank you Jesus.
I love you all. I am thinking of starting something new on here. I need your prayers before I do that. It involves my documenting a spiritual and physical cleansing that I am about to undergo. It will also involve me actually posting my WEIGHT and stomach measurements online for the world to see. Crazy? Almost definitely. But still considering it. No one's really ever accused me of sanity :-)
http://youtu.be/cPPSG_SpojY
Sometimes it takes something hard to go through to see God's presence. I will give a small instance of this happening just this weekend. Friday night, I became very ill with a nasty stomach bug. Vomiting the whole thing. Over the next 24 hours, I would see God's grace, God's love, God's mercy and thankfulness. Over those 24 hours, I heard from probably every family member in my immediate family in the voice of concern, prayer, asking if I needed anything... It was a blessing. My sweet Judaea came and rubbed my back in the bathtub after I had my first violent encounter with the porcelain throne. She fixed me peanut butter and crackers the next day, TWICE, and believe it or not I held those sweet things down :). Bailey kept me in sprite through the day, and By GOD I was able to hold that down. Jonathan got to see me, for the first time in 17 years of marriage, vomit in a trashcan like I would imagine a big burly trucker vomits... and he loves me still... :) God is truly great. Although me and Christian both got sick with stomach bugs, the girls didn't. That is God's grace. Thank you Jesus.
I love you all. I am thinking of starting something new on here. I need your prayers before I do that. It involves my documenting a spiritual and physical cleansing that I am about to undergo. It will also involve me actually posting my WEIGHT and stomach measurements online for the world to see. Crazy? Almost definitely. But still considering it. No one's really ever accused me of sanity :-)
Friday, September 16, 2011
Karen Kingsbury... Why must you do this to me?
A couple of weeks ago, in a very unassuming conversation, I had a couple of really nice ladies tell me about an author I should check out. Karen Kingsbury. Well I love to read and I am trying to get back into the habit of reading a good book, so the next time I was at the library I searched her out. Well if anyone has read any Kingsbury, they are aware that she has an enormous amount of titles to choose from. I choose a series that consisted of four books and brought them home but I never could get started. I just didn't feel that it was the right set for me. So the next trip to the library (I go often now that we are homeschooling), I unassumingly chose a series of two books that just seem to fit. A time to Dance and a Time to Embrace. I have started reading A Time to Dance and she is a wonderful author. Again, very unassumingly I really enjoyed getting to know the characters, who after being married 21 years to their childhood sweethearts begin the process of divorce and separation. This are Christian novels but good christian folk still have troubles, boy do I know that one.
Anyway.... back to the story. Out of no where in the middle of the novel, the main character of the book has to beginning mourning all over again for a daughter she had lost 19 years before. What?!? I am reading to get away from real life, isn't that why we read fiction? I wasn't prepared for this. It's not written on the back cover of her book that this was included. I might would have put it back on the shelf. Some things are just hard to face. But God is never unassuming, and ALWAYS has a plan. I needed to read these fiction words that are all too real in my heart.
I didn't begin this blog to use it as an outlet for my grief. Shoot, this is just the second post and I've went and got deep on everyone (or maybe just one reader). But again, God has a plan and I need this tonight. It's 12:32 am and I am the only one away after a very good, busy friday and I have no one to talk to. But I need to remember my Lanie tonight. Sometimes when things are so difficult, I just brush them off whenever possible. Not to give my daughter's memory a disservice, but just to give my own heart some shield. But the truth is, she had my heart and when she passed, it left a whole that I have just ignored and not allowed God to heal. Lanie was a beautiful young girl of 13 when Jesus called her home. She went back to God as innocent and pure as the day God gave her to me. There is beauty in her returning to the Father in such a way. But there is pain in only being allowed to hold her for 13 years. She was, and I truly mean this, she was my best friend. My buddy, my companion. She was always with me and would seek me out in a crowd. She would hold my hand through Wal-Mart and church. She would comfort me about her own mortality. She was much more aware of her short earthly time than I would allow myself to be. She was brave, a fighter, an amazing daughter, friend, sister, christian... My hero. And I MISS her. I am thankful that God has her in His arms now, safe and healthy. I am most thankful that God has given me a promise of another time together. But I hurt tonight.
I am thankful for my many blessings, don't get me wrong. I don't even question God over His decisions, knowing in my heart that He is all knowing. I trust in Him, His word, His love, His promises. I think I am just finally ready to trust Him to heal me. All this from a fiction book that I am not even finished with. God knows what speaks to us and He will use those things. Thank you God for "unassumingly" entering my heart tonight and making me feel again.
Anyway.... back to the story. Out of no where in the middle of the novel, the main character of the book has to beginning mourning all over again for a daughter she had lost 19 years before. What?!? I am reading to get away from real life, isn't that why we read fiction? I wasn't prepared for this. It's not written on the back cover of her book that this was included. I might would have put it back on the shelf. Some things are just hard to face. But God is never unassuming, and ALWAYS has a plan. I needed to read these fiction words that are all too real in my heart.
I didn't begin this blog to use it as an outlet for my grief. Shoot, this is just the second post and I've went and got deep on everyone (or maybe just one reader). But again, God has a plan and I need this tonight. It's 12:32 am and I am the only one away after a very good, busy friday and I have no one to talk to. But I need to remember my Lanie tonight. Sometimes when things are so difficult, I just brush them off whenever possible. Not to give my daughter's memory a disservice, but just to give my own heart some shield. But the truth is, she had my heart and when she passed, it left a whole that I have just ignored and not allowed God to heal. Lanie was a beautiful young girl of 13 when Jesus called her home. She went back to God as innocent and pure as the day God gave her to me. There is beauty in her returning to the Father in such a way. But there is pain in only being allowed to hold her for 13 years. She was, and I truly mean this, she was my best friend. My buddy, my companion. She was always with me and would seek me out in a crowd. She would hold my hand through Wal-Mart and church. She would comfort me about her own mortality. She was much more aware of her short earthly time than I would allow myself to be. She was brave, a fighter, an amazing daughter, friend, sister, christian... My hero. And I MISS her. I am thankful that God has her in His arms now, safe and healthy. I am most thankful that God has given me a promise of another time together. But I hurt tonight.
I am thankful for my many blessings, don't get me wrong. I don't even question God over His decisions, knowing in my heart that He is all knowing. I trust in Him, His word, His love, His promises. I think I am just finally ready to trust Him to heal me. All this from a fiction book that I am not even finished with. God knows what speaks to us and He will use those things. Thank you God for "unassumingly" entering my heart tonight and making me feel again.
Monday, September 12, 2011
I am going to try this thing...
Blogging? Why not. I thought I'd give it a try. I read several others blogs and enjoy theirs. Sometimes I have thoughts and I don't really have a forum for it (in other words, my husband doesn't want to hear it hehe). I figure this will be like my electronic, public diary. If you want to read it, you will, if you don't, you won't. And I won't have to know if you really paid attention, or even give it the time of day. I can fib to myself and tell me that I have hundreds, no, thousands of people who care about what's on my mind and that will help my ego. Yeah, I think me and this blog thing will really work out well :).
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